Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in Daryl Seah's LiveJournal:

Thursday, June 11th, 2009
12:03 am	Trying not to try   Perhaps one of the most poignant memories I had as a child was when my friends went to cycle in the park and I couldn't follow plainly because I didn't have a bike. It is that feeling of being left behind that is making itself felt here in the present. Just as easily that we were put together by circumstance, so we are driven apart by it.   I went back to school today, but it felt different. Like a growing distance caused by separation. Perhaps I'm thinking too much about it and should just focus on my BlackMagic work, but you guys mean a lot, and being away just doesn't feel right. I guess I'm just afraid of me coming back only to find that the void I left behind has shrunk and closed. Call me insecure, but recent events have given me all the reasons not to be secure. Heh, never thought in a million years I'd miss school. And you know what? I still don't, fuck school with it's unreasonable lecturers and shitty hardware, it's you people that I miss.   But perhaps I can consider having this problem a luxury, distracting me from something that hurts so much more. Soldier on, Daryl. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
11:08 pm	Typed by these sleepy hands   Making new friends is always an interesting affair, even more so when making friends over the internet. So many friends I've made this way have come and gone, first so excited about getting to know someone new, then only for the friendship to wither off a couple of months down the road. And yet, so many people that have large influences over my life are people I've met this way. And as one threatens to come full circle; to wither away, the person who was so much more than a friend to me, another one presents itself.    And that other one presents herself in a cheerful, bubbly and always crazed way, with a not-so-crazy name ,Tina. Of whom I went slacking around with today after work. We had Thai Express for dinner, and in usual fashion she asked me to eat half of her dishes, citing the reason that i need to 'put on weight.' I was so full after that, I swear if this keeps up I can kiss goodbye to my boarderline underweight title and go don the uniform (or lack thereof) of a sumo wrestler. Went to get her mp3 player from Funan after that. I swear, the shops there close bloody early, was talking to Mr. Ang Moh stranger, and he too agreed with me and scorned at the fact that they open so late and close early. But thankfully Harvey Norman was still opened, and we got her mp3 player from there and headed home.   And to the one that matters most.. I'll always be here. And if you have to go.. well please don't. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
3:15 am	The road ahead    And so she's leaving on a jet plane, for 3 weeks in fact. Perhaps it is a good thing for me after all, maybe I can finally move on. 3 weeks is a long time. Maybe I have been travelling down this path of recovery longer than i had realized, being too blinded by emotion. Perhaps I'm lucky in the sense that I can embark on a new chapter now, without having to burn the old one. I'm trying my best to seem okay, pushing the hurt (yes, it's still there) further into the dark entraches of my subconscious. There are so many thoughts in my mind right now, yet I struggle to translate them into words. Questions that I do not want to ask myself, for fear of finding out the answers. I guess I was so used to having someone always there for me that I cannot bear to be alone now. If I close my eyes I can still feel the rocky waves and blistering sun (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
12:23 am	Cryptic shit   I read a quote on TV mobile once (which is surprising since I barely pay attention to that retarded thing) and it went 'no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.' Some people say love is blind, but I see it more as learning to love her imperfections, and recognizing them as being perfect for making her what she is.   What if one is forced out of that love, would he still see that person as perfect? Or will he experience a 180 degree turn and channel all feelings of bitterness toward her? Many a time the once best of lovers become the coldest of foes, but fortunately (or unfortunately) for me I belong in the former catergory, at least with this latest incident. Perhaps i needed some time to elaspe for me to look at it as a lesson learnt, rather than a horrible experience. But alas, going through all the sorrow was entirely necessary, I believe that the emotional impact of failing is what we ultimately learn from, even more than the event itself.   And it certainly left an emotional impact on me. I stumbled out, alone and not used to it. Desperately I tried to grab on to anything that would save me from the feeling of isolation i dreaded so much. And when those things began slipping from my grasp too I felt aggrieved, albeit numb as I wanted to convince myself that I didn't want to feel any more pain. Thanks to Roxanne for being there to cheer me up. I UNLOCK ACHIEVEMENT FOR YOU KAY? =D (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
4:06 am	No I can't    I said it a million times. No, I can't fucking let go. If you say that you still have feelings for me, why do you want to so desperately let go? I know you said it isn't that easy, I know I've disappointed you before, but what happened changed me so drastically, why can't you see that I'm not the old, fucked up Daryl? I was really beginning to feel slightly better this few days, but what happened today just reset everything, back to ground zero, and yet I actually want that.    I want to be all fucked up shit instead of just getting better and forgetting about it. Even if there is just a small glimmer of hope, I'll cling on to it. You said time can heal all wounds, then why are you so final about what you want now? I deseprately want to think that there really will be calm after the storm, and I'm riding out the storm, if only just to make sure for myself. Will my ship sink before the storm is over? I really don't know..     Fuck this shit, just fuck this shit. No one's here, so fuck this shit.   Why must you love him Current Mood: Fucked (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 6th, 2009
12:44 pm	Gutted    The moment we hugged I felt that everything was alright, that the past was just a bad dream. And then, just as surely as that smidgen of hope came, it vanished. In its place came the realization of the horrible truth. Never have I thought such a change of emotion possible in the span of a hug.     I guess it's easier to move on when you have friends who do care for you, when you have someone else you can look forward to. He's everything I'm not, so why look back? Unfortunately I'm not afforded the same luxuries as her. I soldier on daily, each one perhaps more difficult than the last. I should be getting better, but I'm not. It's hard to pretend that everything's alright, but I have to, in the hope that one day things will really be alright.   I swear, when you miss someone this much, every motherfucking thing reminds you of her. Your mind just wants to fuck you up and go insane. Maybe then it wouldn't have to work so much. The final suicidal push before the moment of blissful calmness. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
12:40 pm	Even more confused Had what I want to post now on my mind yesterday, but talking to her threw everything out of the window. I'm so confused. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
12:33 pm	Another lunch time post    It seems to be a ritual now, me skipping my lunch to decode my thoughts and lay them out here. Although not entirely healthy, it does ease my mind somewhat, which is more welcome than any amount of school food. I try to get on with life, to not think about it, but my life is still about as depressing as my msn nick. I guess it'll take time. Although part of me wants to move on and be happy again, a bigger part dreads exactly the same thing, to brainwash myself from something that was once so special. Perhaps that is why I cannot move on, i want to stay in the past, pretend everything's alright, delusioning myself in the process. 2 months, i told myself 2 days before today, 2 months is a long time.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
12:57 pm	I will be happy ..or at least that's what I want myself to believe, then again forced happiness is never really happiness anyway. Not that I have the smallest semblance of joy in me. I once wrote in an older blog that a man is only as faithful as his options are, and if the last period of my life presented me with a test based on those words, I have surely failed. Ghostly would be a suitable way to describe me now, floating outside myself, detached from everything else, just doing the necessary.    And speaking of doing the necessary, school is providing plenty of necessary things for me to do. You'd think that it's a blessing, giving me stuff to bury myself with, to distract me from the feelings that are making me so sad and pathetic right now. But life hasn't been kind to me, and it isn't about to start. I liked 3d modeling.. it was a great way to portray my vision and creativity. Now it's just doing for the sake of doing, with no thought on what I'm contributing to or whether it's to the best of my ability. Just do it, do it to escape.    Call me a fool, tell me to suck it up and get on, I don't give a shit what you say if you think i should just move on. I've been a turtle as long as I can remember, shelling my my emotions, preferring to keep things in than share it. Maybe it's because i genuinely like keeping to myself, maybe it's because I just have no one to turn to. Recent events have made me believe the latter is true. I had an avenue to share everything with, my joys, my abstract ideas of nothing, my stupid jokes that just pop into my head 3 seconds prior. And I guess it was a change for the better.. a turtle coming out of his shell. Now I'm just stumbling myself back in it. To have not loved at all is surely better than to have loved and lost. Current Mood: confused Current Music: RHCP - Torture me (Comment on this)